The Dismissiveness of Doctors – Why Women in Menopause Feel So Alone

During my lifetime, there have been 8 surgeries: (1) Tonsils, (2) Heart surgery (Patent ductus arteriosus – First-ever done on a 3-year-old, 3 weeks in the hospital), (3) Cancer (cervical), (4) Tubes tied, (5) Hysterectomy, (6) Heart surgery (SVT - Catheter ablation), (7 & 8) Cancer (squamous cell – they had to go in twice, and where I had it, was the first these guys had ever seen. It was a teaching case). All in less than 50 years.

The first two, I was too young to question anything. The third, I was only 18 and not sure what it all meant, but got the concept.

My first period was at the age of 11, and from day one, I fucking hated it, and it only got worse as I got older. It ruined vacations, jobs, sheets. After doing some calculations, $3000.00 was the minimum number to buy tampons for a year. Bloody expensive, right? This needed to be over and done with.

The first time I truly felt dismissed by doctors was while I had SVT. (Please read my blog on anxiety). The next time was when I wanted a hysterectomy but only ended up getting my tubes tied.

Male doctors just don't fucking get it, some women too, but mostly men.

The doctor kept looking at my husband all the time. It was my hysterectomy, not my husbands, but the doctor refused, claiming "you are too young" and "you might change your mind." Never mind that I was over 30, had a child already over the age of 10, and that hubby #1 and I didn't want kids after 5 years of marriage. I was done. That first pregnancy was all I could handle.

Still, they would only tie my tubes. About 10 years later I finally got my hysterectomy. The procedures they make you go through to get approved for that! One included cutting something from my insides to test it. They said it wouldn't hurt. They said no driver needed. Liars. Oh yea, they also needed my current husband's permission. Don't you just love that one?

Now try getting them to listen to you about menopause.

Menopause is scary. Menopause is mean. Menopause can be evil twin of the normal you.

The average doctor doesn't care, and this is YEARS of experience talking after having met more doctors than the typical person. Maybe I’m using the wrong words, not entirely sure. Perhaps it is just that they know so little and are afraid to admit it.

The women in my family have never discussed menopause. I have asked questions of my mother only to be told that my grandmother was mean. That was it. My mom is getting older, and at her age, it's my guess that she has put it behind her. I’m the 4th generation to have a hysterectomy, and it seems it will end with me.

My total hysterectomy (kept the ovaries) did NOT send me into menopause. That hit 14 whole years later with zero warning.

It was a while before I saw a doctor. In my opinion it was a touch of the flu that lasted more than 3 months.

When it was finally time to see a doctor, it was a male nurse practitioner. After all the tests were done, he came back with, "You need to get more tests." My hubby and I ran around for six months that year chasing non-existent problems this nurse thought I may have. They never checked my hormones, only a CBC. What a waste of time.

In a moment of clarity, I went to see a gynecologist. It was a dude. He ran all the tests, said “You are in menopause”, threw me a couple of packets of some formula he probably got paid to distribute. My rule is to get a second opinion, and this time it was a young female whose only ties to menopause was that her mom was going through it. I left her office feeling deflated and unheard and have not seen a doctor for this again, and unless I’m dying, it won’t happen.

There are places now where you can order your own tests without seeing a doctor. You can learn to read your test results and determine on your own what you need in your body to get through this time in your life. That’s how I’m choosing to deal with this time in my life. I’m taking control because if the doctors control it, they would have me on every drug they could get me on, for symptoms they do not understand, and I refuse.

In no way whatsoever am I telling you to dismiss a decent doctor's advice. I’m telling you to find a doctor that makes you feel better after you leave their office instead of being misunderstood. So, what if you need to shop around? Maybe when they realize we are tired of accepting substandard care, they will pay us more attention.

None of us really knows how menopause will hit us or when. There is no way to tell how severe and crazy our symptoms will be. We are all different. My menopause will not be yours. Yours will not be mine, so take control of it yourself and care for yourself properly.